El cacao me dijo…
This essay is from the archives, written in the summer of 2020, in Málaga, Spain.
Cacao has been used as medicine and revered by ancient civilizations for thousands of years for emotional and spiritual healing. The cacao tree, which was considered a sacred gift from the gods by the Mayans and the Aztecs, is native to Mesoamerica and South America. The word cacao comes from the Mayan words “ka’kau” meaning “heart blood”, “chocol’ha” meaning “bitter water”, and the verb “chokola’j” meaning “to drink chocolate together”. It is chocolate in its purest form, which, when prepared with love and drunk with intention, can open up your heart to self-love and connection.
I was recently invited to a cacao ceremony, and since I’m all about opening my heart and sharing new experiences, I didn’t hesitate to accept the invitation. We were asked to bring a candle, flowers, and a musical instrument, such as a maraca or a drum. On a warm, sunny Sunday evening at the end of September, we drove out of the city and inland towards the lush, green mountains and valleys of Alhaurín in Málaga, Spain. We arrived at a magical place tucked in between two hillsides, where we were met with open arms by the hosts of the ceremony; a Mexican family of healers and a glowing woman named Amanda, our cacaotera, who had learned the ceremonial rituals in faraway lands from wise and beautiful people.
We sat down in a circle around the altar, which was arranged on a blanket on the grass. The birds, the trees, the flowers, the late afternoon sun, the light breeze, and the shy, smiling faces of the participants of the ceremony harmonized to create a sweet and gentle atmosphere. We began by introducing ourselves one by one and stating our intentions, out loud if we wished, for the cacao. I shared that participating in the ceremony was part of my process of leaping into the unknown and discovering different worlds and different realities. I also asked the cacao to show me the truth inside of my heart.
As the sharing moved around the circle, I was touched by the vulnerability and genuinity of each person’s intention. One woman asked the cacao to help her release the deep sadness that she carried like a weight inside of her chest, and to help her transmute that sadness into love. When she said this, I could see the sadness she spoke of in her eyes and hear it shaking in her voice. It’s rare for a person to be so brave and so vulnerable about the pain they are feeling, especially among a group of strangers. I was filled with respect and admiration for her.
We followed the lead of Vivi and Miriam, mother and daughter, who were the guardians of the ritual space, as they invoked the four directions; East, South, West, and North, following their traditional Mexica medicine tradition. We gave thanks to the elements and to our ancestors, asking them to accompany us during our healing. Amanda lit seven pieces of Palo Santo in a small goblet and moved slowly around the circle, cleansing each one of us with the smoke. It wrapped around my arms and my body, and after I turned around, she blew a puff of smoke from the goblet onto the nape of my neck. The warmth spread quickly from my neck throughout my entire body. After she finished the cleansing ritual, she began singing a beautiful prayer. I was entranced by the soft reverence of her voice as she sang.
As she served and handed us our wooden bowls of cacao, she said to each of us, “I serve you this with love,” to which we responded, “I receive this with love.” The cacao was warm and smelled of chocolate, cardamom, and other spices. It tasted bitter, but at the same time, sweet and rich. After receiving our bowls of cacao, we held them up to our noses and snuggled into the aroma while we waited for everyone to be served.
From the first sip, I could feel the energy in the cacao and sense the love with which Amanda had spent the day preparing it. We savored in near silence as the shadows grew longer and the sun dipped lower in the sky. Within minutes of taking that first sip, I felt my eyes well up with tears. What was happening? Was the cacao already moving things around inside of me? I looked up to see that Amanda, on the other side of the circle, was tearing up as well. She had a wide smile on her face, and laughed a bit as she said, “The cacao is already getting me choked up.” It wasn’t my imagination—Cacao Spirit was with us.
After we refilled our bowls, Miriam, the twenty-five year old woman with the wisdom of an elder, began to talk. “The Cacao has spoken to me. If you don’t mind, I’d like to share with you what it said.” She had our attention.
I’ve translated her words from Spanish below.
“The cacao told me that everything is cyclical. We find ourselves with people and in situations that sometimes, like the cacao itself, are bitter. The cacao also told me that if you look at its surface, you see a reflection, just like the reflection you see of those people and situations in your life. People that we sometimes blame and say, “You did this to me. You made me feel hate, you made me feel resentment, you hurt me.” But really what we are seeing is a reflection of what is inside of us, and it’s up to us to decide to change on the inside so that the reflection can change. And the situations reflecting that pain or that grudge or those internal traumas begin to reflect the healing that the cacao is going to bring to us today, and is already bringing. You’ll be able to tell those people and those situations, “You made me heal, you made me grow, you made me love, because that healing, that growth and that love is within me.” The cacao also told me that although we walk distinct paths, don’t speak the same language, or even though we are different, we are all energy. The people with whom you share a glance, a word, you brush by them on the street; maybe they share with you an insult or maybe they share a smile, they are all energy flowing through different paths and through different people, and it makes you a part of them, and they are a part of you in that moment. Right now we are sharing energy, and that makes us part of the whole. It makes us part of the Universe, and that is where we find love. The love you can feel when you see a baby is in you. Look and see what is inside of you, feel it in you. The love you feel for yourself, feel it for that person who insulted you. The cacao also told me that it loves you, and that is also a reflection of the love you feel for yourself.”
Amanda then led us through a guided meditation, in which we got to know the Cacao Spirit. It was a powerful moment, and the group energy was palpable and beautiful. Even though I had my eyes closed and was in my own visualization of Amanda’s guided meditation, I felt a connection with all of the others in the circle. To close the meditation, Amanda told us that the Cacao Spirit had a gift for each of us. With our eyes still closed, and still visualizing in our mind’s eye, we were asked to reach out our hands and receive the gift. I extended my arms, and suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I saw that between my hands was a ball of warm, glowing energy, and the Cacao Spirit whispered to me: “I gift you self-worth.”
We opened our eyes. Dusk had settled in. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and drops fell onto my lap, and I looked around to see that some of the others were crying too. Each experience was different, but all of them profound.
“How are you feeling, Kate? What’s coming up for you? The Cacao Spirit seems to have reached you deeply,” Amanda asked me. Her question didn’t feel invasive, which just illustrates even further the safe and supportive environment that had been created in that circle of souls.
“To be completely honest, I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but whatever it is, I’m feeling it hard.” I laughed a little as I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. “My dad passed away a couple of months ago. Things are definitely coming up for me right now.”
Then it was time for the medicinal songs and music. We all took our instruments, and Gabriel and Amanda led us with their drums in singing ancestral healing songs. I learned the words to each song quickly, and singing and drumming was an incredible release after all of that emotion. I had never participated in a drum and singing circle like this, but if I had known the intense healing and connection that could happen, I would have done so ages ago. We sang into the night. We sang to the full moon above us, we sang to the stars and to the mountains and to the cold and pure air. I sang out my sadness, I sang through my tears, and I sang my gratitude to the people who were there sharing that moment with me.
After the ceremony, a woman who had been quiet and kept to herself most of the evening approached me. “I heard you say your father passed away this year. My father died this year too. I’m with you.” She gave me the most heartfelt hug that I had received in months. Just for that moment, her pain was my pain and her healing was my healing. I felt so loved.
I can still taste the bitter sweetness of the cacao on my lips. The spirit is with me, and my heart is grateful.